Friends

It is amazing that this is what we have become, so many years after trying so hard to be here. I look at all my friends now, and am really proud that we actually got here.How we have escaped from life's snares and withstood pain so deep, hard to fathom, leave alone explain. Mostly, I just sit and marvel at what life has thrown my way.

Yes, I worked hard, but just as hard as any of my other friends.

It stings that I have lost so many friends along the way, but my father always told me never to measure myself by the number of friends i had, but by the number of friends I was able to keep.

And I adhere to this rule. If I can keep a friend, then they are worth keeping.

We swim in and out of life's loneliness, confused and needing attention, acceptance. those of us who are not into that sort of thing raise our noses with disdain, everytime another group closes us out. But in the end, we all want love, and we all want to be loved. We all feel stronger when we know that no matter what, there will always be someone who can touch us and heal us and tell us we will be alright.

and that is why we have friends.

Friends, not just to decorate our private halls of fame, not to hold up as trophies, that other people may come and praise, worship, recognize, admire...

No. we have friends because they are extensions of us. yes. Extensions.

And that is why I quote my father so much. he believed that in his lifetime he made a lot of friends.

But not all of them were friends.

There were those conveniently chosen for a specific job: My rave friend, my drinking buddy; my apartment hunting buddy; by money-lending buddy; my cute buddy (to snare with more hot looking friends).

Compartmentalizing.

That is what we are all good at, and yet...

Who are we really? who are our friends? are they the ones who hold back your hair as you throw up at a party when you've had too much to drink/eat???

are they the ones who help you mourn your loved ones and hold your hand when no one else wants to?

are they the ones who allow you to sneak into their homes when your life's has lost meaning?

are they the daring ones who will defend you when no one has the courage, guts or interest?

are they the ones who will invite you into their homes, and share their meal even when they know they have nowhere else to get more?

OR

Are they the ones who hang onto you because you have something they want?

are they the ones who only mention your name because someone they like knows and likes you?

are they the ones who quickly disappear when real issues land on your feet?

Mmmm...I sit uncomfortably with the word friend, because often, I get confused. I never know where the line is drawn, close myself off, open up, scream, jump around, come back to my senses and remember my father's words, mingle, woolly ideas all over my head, wondering if what I know is worth anything and if a friend if going to help me unravel...

The mysteries of my world.

I wonder.