WOMEN WHO MURDER THEIR HUSBANDS: WHY DO THEY DO IT?

Yesterday, I caught the end of 3rd Degree, a programme that comes on e tv. It was a special feature of people who are jailed for murdering their spouses. I missed the bulk of the interviews, but the last one caught my attention. It was about a woman who arranged for her husband to be killed.

I still remember what she said about why she did it. For her, ‘it was okay for him to beat me. I could almost handle it. But then he turned on my kids, and that I could not take.’

What played on my mind then was this: what are the limits of abusive relationships? At what point does one snap?

We are told that statistically, the number of women murdered by their husbands is quite high. Take for instance, this report

http://home.cybergrrl.com/dv/stat/statkilled.html

For me, such statistics only reinforce what I already know, the vulnerable positions of women in relationships and marriages.

But then, there is the other matter of women who murder their husbands.

Sure some of them do it for the money, but quite a bulk of them do it because they cannot take abuse anymore! Again, I will give you the link. You can follow up on it - http://www.websleuths.com/forums/archive/index.php/t-36336.html

But then, that is not in Africa. Does it happen here? Of course. On the 18 of February 2007, I received a disturbing email about this woman, Nompumelelo Manyapeelo, who wrote a piece titled Born to Suffer.

She begins thus:

I am serving a thirty year sentence for my actions, substituting the prison of abuse for a prison of bricks. A prison where even my thoughts and feelings are held captive. My pain is for my children who lost both parents, and everyday I am reminded of what I have done. I still clearly recall that final act that made me snap (p 2005: 111).

Then she proceeds to give us the details of the event that led to the murder. Be patient with me, as I reporduce a chunk of what she says:

He arrived home after 2am as usual. He was as sober as a judge when he opened the bedroom door and greeted me cheerfully. I was half asleep but moved to the other side of the bed to give him space to sleep. He took off his clothes and got into bed beside me. He started caressing me and telling me that he wanted me to perform oral sex on him. It was something I had never done before and I did not want to do it. Not like this, not when he came home in the middle of the night and just demanded it. I tried to explain, but he said that there was always a first time. I tried to explain my feelings that the first time – for anything – should not be in the early hours of the morning. I resisted his advances, but he grabbed my nightie, pulled me and gave me a heavy klap (slap). I surrendered, but when I knelt down and saw the bits of toilet paper stuck to his penis, I realised that he had had sex with another woman – again. Something inside me just cracked. It could not go on.

I felt angry and humiliated, but also helpless. Finally, I cooperated after being beaten. I did it crying. After cuming inside my mouth, he released me and he slept. I felt so used and humiliated. He had been with another woman and then expected me to do this, showing off the evidence with no regard for my feelings. Years of abuse had finally taken their toll, and it had to end (Agenda 66 2005 p.111).

http://forum.pampers.co.za/viewtopic.php?t=23559&highlight=&sid=7c43af1f61382ceede7d8d75fc2c912d

You know, reading this story - please go to the link above to read part of the narrative- anyway, reading this story made me realize just how vulnerable women are. And worse still, the role that society plays in accelerating the situation. For instance, when she speaks of her mother in law's treatment of her, its just sad.

It is not as if she did not try to do other things before the murder. She says she tried to commit suicide twice.

She does say something important:

Looking back, I believe that there are three stages of abuse, whether its mental or physical in nature, and certian choices that can be made. The first stage starts with the relationship. It may be a single incident, but that is when rational people get out and irrational people remain. I was embarrassed about what people and my family would say and quitting a marriage is against my culture....the second stage, in my experience, is when the abuse increases. Some women walk out at this stage. Those who stay think that if they managed it up to now, the can continue to manage. Or you love him and think that tomorrow he will stop. Or you think of the children and finally you start beliving that somehow you were responsible-that you actually deserve the punishment. You feel helpless, incompetent, stupid, inferior, a second-class citizen...it reaches a point after he has hit you, he calls you and explains why he did it, and you accept his reasons. The third stage is the point of no return. You feel you have reached the edge. You either then allow yourself to fall over the egde by committing suicide or you fight the hungry lion by killing him...

What makes women snap?